


The Secret

by devilsnowcandy



Category: Thor (2011)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-29
Updated: 2012-04-29
Packaged: 2017-11-04 12:35:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilsnowcandy/pseuds/devilsnowcandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short Loki character introspection, following his thoughts throughout the movie. "Loki thinks 'if I was hoping to see you mature into a worthy man and king from this, I would have accomplished everything I wanted.'  But what he wants is for Thor to hurt."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to try my hand at some bitter, angry, spiteful Loki fanfic, and this is what came out.

Somewhere along the way, Loki began to hate his brother. The childhood adoration slipped away, and contempt slipped in, and jealousy. But Loki’s quite the liar, and no one suspected it. Least of all Thor.

The hatred is a truth he clings to through it all, a secret for him alone.

The prank goes off beautifully, and the aftermath is really quite interesting – but that moment, when the Jotten touches him, ruins it. Thor might be perfectly playing his part as the immature, bloodthirsty buffoon who could never hope to rule Asgard, but Loki is – Loki is no longer sure what he is.

Still, the vicious, surprised joy when Thor is banished – he must school his face, to fear and sorrow, before their father. But he can’t hide the disappointment when Odin sends Mjolnir after him. It was never to be his, even now that Thor is unworthy of it.

– He’s distracted by his arm, by the ugly possibilities rearing themselves in his mind. Too distracted to bother with honeyed words and lies, reassurances. Thor is undeserving of the crown. And these, who should be his friends, should see the wisdom in his words or perhaps feel some small gratitude – they stare at him in alarm and suspicion. 

They are wary of him. What has he done beside save their lives? They were never his friends. It feels like it should hurt to admit, but he feels only a sort of bitter acceptance. It’s not like Loki has ever wanted real friendship, the kind where you know one another completely and would sacrifice anything for the other. How boring that would be.

He thought sometimes he must be a monster because of that, because he needed and wanted no one. How gratifying it is to learn that he was right. How satisfying, to know that he is and always was nothing more than a tool, a means to an end. How singularly fitting that even his fellow monsters would not want him as their own.

He sits on his throne, and thinks. When he sends the Destroyer, Thor is begging. Thor is humbled. Loki thinks _if I was hoping to see you mature into a worthy man and king from this, I would have accomplished everything I wanted_. He knows that was his father’s aim, and he’s irritated that it’s been realized so fully. But what he wants is for Thor to hurt. 

And he kills the father, the thing that abandoned him. He is hoping to be welcomed by the father who – chose him, to be welcomed as more than a tool, as a beloved son. His mother’s arms surround him and he holds her, clumsy, unused to this outpouring of affection and pride being directed at him. His liar’s tongue is already forming words to comfort her. But Thor’s standing in the doorway and he has to remember, she’s not his mother, she’s not his at all.

Everything that’s ever mattered to Loki has always belonged to Thor.

In the fight he is honest. In the fight he is spite and rage, and Thor – does not understand. Thor still reaches for him as they fall. Loki wants to laugh, again and again. Instead he lies, pitches his voice like a boy’s. He’s lying, he tells himself, because the truth is that nothing he’s ever done has been for anyone but himself. The tears on his face, the desperation in his gaze, they can’t be real. The rejection doesn’t hurt this much. In the end he doesn’t care that Odin is disappointed in him. He doesn’t even care that his father – _Thor’s_ father – will never love him like a son. He cares only that his life is in Thor’s hands.

Thor wants to keep him forever as his brother. But this, Loki’s life, is his own. 

So he lets go.


End file.
